You may also want to go poking around whatever major metropolitan area is nearest you for other fun. There are poly groups all over the country-surely one is within at least occasionally attainable distance from you. You may not feel comfortable freely cruising on apps, but you could certainly at least create online profiles without any identifying features (such as a picture of your face) and see what kind of catch that yields. You can talk to the kinky/poly partners you’ve had about where to find more and/or congregate. But I suppose there are ways to maximize your sex having. Given your hawkish approach to discretion, moving at a slower pace and taking the kink as it trickles in might just be what you have to do. Uh, it seems like you’re doing fine? Bondage, a threesome, and polyamorous partners in the past three years? That’s more excitement than a lot of people experience in a lifetime. For maximum extraction potential, work from love and compassion, not shame.
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He might be embarrassed, but he owes you the full story. You can bring this up quite easily by referencing the previous conversation on this topic that you were both present for. Many would! If you’re in a monogamous arrangement, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to keep his hands on his own controller and not be playing another guy’s joystick. (After all, he’s your husband.) I think before you determine a method of bringing this up without accusing your husband of cheating, you should figure out if you consider this to be cheating. If he’s not depleting himself of a sex drive from whacking it too much, or having his dick stripped raw by his buddies’ calloused workout hands, what’s the difference? You, naturally, are under no obligation to take such a laid-back stance. The way I’m personally inclined to think about this goes something like: He could be sitting around with his buddies playing poker and holding cigars, or they could be sitting around watching porn and holding their dicks. So, perhaps this is not a major part of your husband’s sexuality but a minor one. As you may have noticed, spending time with naked men is fun. It is therefore conceivable that there are guys out there who mostly have sex with women but enjoy the male bonding that comes with sitting around and busting some nuts with other men. I put “straight” in quotes because, sitting around, dicks out, perhaps polishing a penis that does not belong to you, sounds pretty far left of strictly hetero to me, but it’s also increasingly clear that there’s infinite space in the gray area between a Kinsey 0 and a 6. A recent GQ trend piece explored the phenomenon of “straight” masturbation clubs, and I’ve seen online ads for such clubs that specifically target “straight” guys and more or less rebuke gay ones. Or maybe connectivity has made this phenomenon more accessible and easier to gauge and discuss? Ya never know with these things. It does seem like more straight-identified guys are getting into mutual masturbation with other so-called straight guys these days. (We’re both straight couples.) When we were several in, we were talking about losing our virginities, and his friend’s fiancée made a comment along the lines of “well, you know what they used to do.” I did not know what they used to do! It turns out they masturbated together as teenagers, which included “giving each other a hand.” I was taken aback by this, but they all seemed to think it was hilarious, and my husband was embarrassed, so I shrugged it off. Last year, my husband of two years-together six-and I were out to drinks with his childhood friend and the friend’s fiancée. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. My Husband Pushed Me Into an Unfair Sex Contract and I Want Out
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